Mixed Signals?

A friend has a problem. She hit the bar and began chatting with 2 dudes. Dude #1 implied that he has a girlfriend but was very flirtatious all night right off the bat. Dude #2 spoke enough to be noticeable and my friend, “Grab”, was more into Dude #2.

By the end of the night Dude #1 gave Grabs his business card while #2 called it a night and never gave any contact info. Grabs really would just like to e-mail Dude #1 and ask for #2’s contact information, but of course that’s awkward.

I think obviously Dude #1 was looking for a “down the road” booty call should Grabs care for one. Why volunteer information if you’re already taken? I know the business card is a little sketchy: non-confrontational and very casual…does he want to talk some more about business plans or just bone? Well since Grabs profession and Dude #1’s does not cross paths, it’s safe to say that boning is the way to go here.

Only way to solve this riddle is to have a second encounter with both parties- perhaps set up a happy hour to give reason for both dudes to show up. Then weed out both dudes’ intent. Good luck!

Forgetting Birthdays

Sucks when you forget about birthdays. This isn’t a gender thing: if you forget your good friend’s birthday, male or female, you’re fudged. Females will burn you till you remember birthdays.

The Fifi (fiancee) forgot it was her friend’s birthday, also female. Interestingly enough, a month goes by and Fifi finally remembered. She dreaded confronting the friend- but as women do they drink it out and try to hook up the single friend at a bar.

But how do you approach a friend who may be mad at you for forgetting their birthday for at least over a week? Is it best to fess up or say you were too busy, but here’s an awesome gift? I personally don’t put much care into people’s birthday, because I barely care about mine. If I forget I go with a “my bad, let’s go do something”. I don’t expect people to care about my birthday except fifi and family.

A-Rod Split From His Wife!

YES! After being seen canoodling with Madonna, he realized he only had 4 minutes to save his life: by dumping his broad!! That means I can get up in with A-Rod and he can be my sugar daddy!

Full story here: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/rss/entertainment/*http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080703/ap_en_ot/bba_yankees_rodriguez

I’ll be back, gotta get a six pack and a gap in my mouth to impress A-rod.

Stop Touching Me

I was on the train (as I am for 56% of my life) and there was a lady cramped behind me. For a while her exposed arm kept touching my exposed arm- she looked at me as though I were rubbing my nose over her anus or something. She backed away and actually tried to move. Sorry assmunch, sometimes I can’t control the train and how close to my balls you are.

Such an odd feeling when your arm rubs up against another guy’s arm. Both our hairs interact and it feels soooo uncomfy.

It’s weird. In general not many people care when exposed arms are rubbed. I don’t get freaked out like the lady I mentioned- but I do get a little grossed out. Who knows where the next dude’s been rubbing up against. With my luck, he’ll be that one guy that rubs his arms against a tree trunk all day and attracts termites to his hairy arm. Then those termites attach themselves to my hairy arm. Gross.

When Did You Learn Santa Isn’t Coming?

For those who don’t like spoilers, please close out of this blog NOW. I warned you.

So Santa isn’t real. Yup. Cat’s out of the bag. What a deceving thing to have our kids believe in the first place. Instead of learning about Jebus and his fine doings, we take the alternate route and teach them about a fat guy and presents. Nay I say, this fat guy will not teach me anything but how to deal with disappointment.

For some reason one Christmas my parents decided to drop my presents at the foot of my bed. I don’t think we put up the tree that year- or perhaps the tree was well stocked in the first place. Either way, all of “Santa’s” gifts were at the foot of my bed when I decided to sleep with my head there that night. I hear them whispering and frolic away into the night.

This left little Randy in awe. Maybe 7 years old at the time. How in the bloody hell can my parents get away with this mass lie? If they knew the truth, why not share it? Fuck this Santa man that America and whoever else made up. I, little as I was, died a bit inside that night.

What else were they hiding from me? Tooth fairy was really gay? Easter bunny was a metaphor for the Jebus-man dying in a pink suit? I vow to not hide my kids in the dark. They will watch the Passion of Christ I swear.

Hilary Hates Obama? Hogwash!

You can browse the negative ads and campaigns against Barack Obama on Hilary Clinton’s site, but you won’t find anything…anymore. She finally accepts her Democratic superior and has jumped on board with the Obama train. Why not? The dude will help you pay off debt via campaigns and fund raisers. Now we can move on Democrats, and toss this idea that Barack will destroy us all. You were against President Bush all the time, and now that Hilary is out you’re gonna default to McCain? Oye Vei! I rather release Sadaam and listen to his global policies.

Full story here: http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/07/02/clinton-campaign-wipes-sites-of-negative-obama-references/

Bad Breath

How can one go about telling another that they have the breath of dark angels and rancid dogs with rabies? I personally would hope my first lady would tell her president- I wouldn’t get offended. I’d double up on the gum. My mother used to yell at me- “go get some Listerine!!” and so on.

This dude at work was fine talking to me. We had no choice but to whisper since a meeting was going on…but then BAM! I could practically taste his lunch myself. And it’s hard to keep a straight face when that first whiff of blasphemy reaches your nostrils- it’s instant shock.

Bideo Games and Bayina

I don’t what it is, but nothing gets me smiling and/or laughing than a Spanish accented person pronouncing English words. It’s mean? Perhaps, but I don’t judge you and your way of living. At least not until you read it in my blog.

You have “B’s” replacing “V’s” and “Gs” added when possible. Ooo and the word “the” being dropped incorrectly. Here’s some great words I have heard recently that I enjoy:

Banessa=Vanessa

Ex: “Banessa! Come here and get your stuff mang!” (mang=man)

Bideo Games=Video games, Bayina=Vagina

Ex: “Aye, I will kick you in the bayina in this the bideo games we’re playin’, Juan!”

On a side note, I now know of a person named “San Juan”, and no lie: he is half Puerto Rican. That means, should San Juan want to visit the capital, San Juan…his ticket will be San Juan’d all over the place. He is visiting himself for vacation. He can go F himself as he visits himself. And so on.

 

Giants Waitlist

Currently for Giants season tickets, I am:

Waitlist Spot - Subject to Change:	24569
Since Date:	1/22/2004

This means there at 24,569 people ahead of me for season tickets. I will likely get the chance to purchase season tickets in 2024 according to the website. Awesome. Hope my kids aren’t fruits and actually like the Giants.

Just Facebooked Some Relatives

It’s funny when you have to request people to be your relative on Facebook. The whole formality of it all.

“Hey PersonX, can you please confirm that you’re related to me?” What if that person doesn’t want to be your relative?

“Oh hell no, I don’t want to be related to Randy! Even though, by law of humanity I AM first cousins with this prick.”

And what if I found my entire family on Facebook? Let’s say, 200 total worldwide. I am ready to sync up with them. NO. You can not!

You May Add 20 Relatives Per Day. This is a Facebook Limit.

You are limited on how many relatives you can add/know/relate to per day. Awesome. This will solve that relative crisis going on.